The other day over coffee, my husband and I had a long chat about where we wanted to live, our respective career paths, and future life plans. You know, casual stuff. We are currently in the middle of a few possible paths and weighing our options with each. Is a job that sounds potentially soul-sucking worth it for a year or so, if it comes with a huge raise in salary? Or is it better to find a job that is more sustainable, but for the same – or even less – money? Should my career plans wait until he is satisfied in his job?
As a woman, I have often felt a pressure, societal and internalized, to be a supporting character in my husband’s career. The phrase “behind every great man, is a woman” comes to mind. Although as a feminist, and a stubborn human, I do not want to be seen as just my husband’s wife, but valued as a successful individual in my own way. My husband is wonderful, and will always support me in my ventures, but I still sometimes feel as though I should put my own dreams aside, waiting until he is settled into his path before starting my own.
I pride myself on being independent and being able to create my happiness wherever we go, and that perspective has made it easy to delay some of my own career goals until he is settled in a career and then it will be “my turn”. Until the other day, I thought I was being a wonderful, supportive wife by delaying my own goals. I thought that by keeping my life flexible, I was giving him the space and time he needed to find his path. But when we talked about this decision the other day, I realized that my “flexibility” was putting all the pressure on him to make decisions about our future. I thought that saying “do what makes you happy, and I will be happy too” was being supportive and adaptable, when really it was just giving up my share of the responsibility in planning for our future.
It’s hard to make decisions when there are no parameters and you don’t have all the information. When I didn’t share my needs, or how this decision could effect my career plans, it was like asking him to book a trip without telling him where or when. It wouldn’t be OUR trip, it would be his that I just happen to be on.
At the end of the day, we are a team, but we are also individuals. The only way we are going to have a life that suits us both, is if we are both active players in the building of that life. So support your partner is their goals and dreams, but don’t forget to consider your goals and dreams as well.
The Thinking Issue 