Validation is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I volunteer as a mentor for teens and my job is to just be there, virtually, to listen and provide non-judgmental support however we can. To me, mentoring is about being the person I wish I had when I was their age, and what I wish I had was more validation. Validation for my feelings, my concerns, my problems. Validating me as an individual;.
High school sucks. It just does. It is a wild time where everything feels like the most important thing in the world. Its exhausting! As someone who somewhat-recently made it through that rollercoaster, I can say that it does get better on the other side. However, also as someone who was somewhat-recently in the throws of said rollercoaster, I can say that platitudes like “it gets better” are absolutely meaningless.
I think a roller coaster is the best metaphor for being a teenager; you enter high school and you are buckled in wether you like it or not. There is no short-cut or mid-way-exit. You just have to survive it, one hill at a time. When you are on the rollercoaster, and you make it to the first hill, right before the drop, every carnal instinct is telling you that you are about to die. Adrenaline is literally our body preparing us to fight or flight! In that moment of pure biological instinct, nothing anyone says of does is going to fix it. Someone can tell you “the ride is safe” or “it will be over before you know it”, but none of these things would actually change how your body responds when facing potential danger. It is the same for teens. In the moment, where everything is so intense and you are riding these huge highs and lows of emotions, no motivational slogan is going to make a difference.
What will make a difference, is validation. Someone saying “yes, this does suck. You have every right to feel the way you feel and nothing is wrong with you”. That will make a difference!
I think a really sad fact of going through your teenage years is feeling alone and like you are the only one feeling the way you do. Mental health is not something readily talked about in schools, or even in families! It is all too easy for someone to feel a certain way, not know why they feel that way, and if the only thing they hear is “just wait until you are older” – or worse yet, “how could you feel that way when someone else has it worse?” – then of course they are going to feel alone! And instead of talking about it and asking for support, they are going to be shamed into hiding how they feel. Under-validated teens turn into poorly-adjusted adults.
I am incredibly fortunate because with adults in my life who told me “you are too young to know”, “just wait until college”, “let me tell you about a REAL problem” or anything of the sort, I also had a father who told me “you are doing just fine”. As a mentor, my goal is to be the voice to these kids that my dad was to me; a reminder that they are valid exactly as they are.
It pains me to know that parents, like my dad, who validate their children’s emotions are few and far between. If you are a suck-it-up-buttercup type of parent, please try to remember what it is like to be a teenager and empathize with the rollercoaster they are on. If you are the validating, supportive type of parent, thank you for your service to humanity. And if you are neither, maybe try being the adult you wish you had, for someone else.
The Thinking Issue 